the curious incident of the girl in the night-time

Goodbyes

2007-01-03T19:05:00.000+08:00

i hate myself for loving you.
and not tellin you tat.
now i'll never have the chance.
i missed you.
pls come bck to me.
Would you...
Save me a place in heaven?

For the friend who left me.
Forever.

*In memory of Dav 28/12/2006*

Ending Story*

2006-11-23T23:12:00.000+08:00

This holiday is coming to an end this week.
I missed xiaolongbaos frm DingtaiFeng, corduroyandfinch muffins.
would like to play more more and more.
Hmm does anyone have any idea where to get fab chesnut cake over sg? im gettin addicted to those over here.sigh* and i cant bear not to eat 'em anymore): anyone who has an idea pls tellme...free treat of chesnutcake frm me.ha :P
i feel much better
can much think clearer too.
Now i would no longer harp on things tat dun belong to me
Hog on people whom never was mine.
I shall take it as it goes.
,

**Your Bday Present would be sent out through mail.and so if u wan it personally just tellme so?
I QUIT.
playing stupid mind games and being someone i hate.
I QUIT
my position of owning you
I QUIT
my job.

Ends the story*

2006-11-22T15:03:00.000+08:00

I dunno if its just me...
But does it irritates you tat when you typed a whole chunk page of sms/email/letter...
and all you get is just a mono-syllabus one line reply??
It irks me.
It really does
-_-
Eg:
"So do you want to meetup tml?are you free in the afternoon/evening?Do you want to watch movies or should we just have lunch?"
And you get
"Okay."
-_-
so your free tml?
and you want to meetup when?
Do you want to watch movies and have lunch too?

Forfucksake, when people msged you a open qn, your obliged to msged a whole chuck of reply bck.
sigh*
I feel as if im redundant to you.
And
this just shows:
a)your very busy
b)your very busy and cant be bothered to care to reply me.
This's the same as not replyin one's msgs.
im almost tempted to write back a "watever"
but wats a better way to fight back?
Delete
Ignore
and Dun reply (:

Its like a vicious cycle.
We make merry and is happy
you do something stupid and insensitive and pissed me off.
I cant be bothered with you
You buy something to make me happy again.
Me is happy and we are back again.
And it goes on and on and on.
When can I untangle myself out of this?
Im tired of the game.

This holiday enables me to breathe see think and laugh better.
Its been ages since i felt like myself again
Wearing a social mask to those out there
pretending to understand and be like you people
buttin in to conversations tat i dun even know about.
and reminded tat im different frm you all.

Actions speak louder then words.
*SS.Sometime your with me,
Sometimes your not.
It gets harder as everyone tries to get a piece of you
and im left forgotten by you.
I dun know when your clammin up again.
And I fear its coming.
Perhaps you never did opened up to me.
It was just my wishful foolish thinking.
Perhaps i was never good 'nuff.
Its okay, I think.
as long as you have someone by your side.
how many times do you want me to ask you if your okay before you come to tellme the truth?
how many times must i reassure you tat we will always belong together?
how many times must i get pushed by you before i can learn to give up?
this break has indeed served its purpose.

Loneliness is just a feeling,
not a situation.

you know you have found it because you feel it when they take it away

Hola*

2006-11-19T08:05:00.000+08:00

Was with DavidThePug during the last two days.
him playing the tour guide bringing me the virgin to his homeland.
Visting his two very very nice and friendly grandparents, cooking nice fab. meals for me (:
and allowing me to stay over the night :P
Haiz. i do think im becoming FAT after this holiday ends.
All the good food, and all the 'Your so skinny, must eat more..."
And it was really very heartwarming to be treated like their very own grandaughter by them.
Somehow, it felt nice to see my boy after so long and much had happened between us.

Act One Scene One
"OMFG.Wat did you do to your hair!?"
"Chop Chop Chop."
"Why?! I loved the way you were."
"But I liked myself better THIS way..."
"Sigh. Now my grandparents are going to think im homo, bringing a guy over."
-_-
"Asshole. Ive boobs okay."

Act One Scene Two
"Did you missed me?"
"Yeah."
"Then give me a kiss, quick..."
*slap*

And
we did seem to be back to the good o days.
people mistaking us for honeymoon couple
us making a hella fool out of ourselves
Just as i no longer feel the stress and insecurity when i was with him
Was it because he has changed?
Or me?
I no longer harp on things tat dun belonged to me
Those tat will be will be.
So we will just see how things goes, and remain the same now
Maybe after 2years things will changed again?
So far..
I still enjoy being single and available(:

After ThePug left,
I start to find my own entertainment sources :P
Eg.
Talking to Ms Kagome I smuggled from home in those late nights.

Holiday*

2006-11-15T09:15:00.000+08:00

holiday means
time to leave the bustling streets
to dump stressful work to where they belong to
to throw your hp and all its tying relationships bounds bck at home
to cut yourself from all the little big things, no ties bonded

I like it this way(:
Eating, partying till the wee mornings.
Then going back for more drinks.
Sleeping. Playing.
Flying off to another princess lala land later.
Ah. But how long can I be like this?

2006-11-09T22:37:00.000+08:00

*I think I should do this too right.
Comment (not tag) if you're interested, and I will reply in the same comment :D
1. Comment me with your name, and I'll tell something about you.
2. I'll tell you which band/movie/character reminds me of you.
3. I'll think of some stuff that we're both interested in.
4. I'll tell you why I would maybe be jealous of you.
5. I'll tell you my first memory of you. (Or my most prominent memory of you, whichever comes to mind first.)
6. I'll ask you something that I've always wanted to ask.
7. If I'll do this about you, you'll have to put this into your journal.

Updates

2006-11-09T22:27:00.000+08:00

it is an irony (and amuses me at the same time) how people make their own choices(decisions).
It could be those simple day to day making choices basis.
Like choosing the drink you want at the cafe.
Which movie to watch.
What dress you want to wear for tat special date.
And its funny how some would want to involve others into making the choice for them.
Is it so tat when the decision has been made and it is not something you had wanted it to be... then you can push the blame to others?
or tat you had diversify the responsibility to others
so when something goes wrong your not the only one to carry it?
Tat at least this helps you feel abit more better.
Perhaps.
And then there is those who actually had made their own decision before consulting others for more reassurance tat their decision is right.
And
Hee. Me belong to this type :P
Example:
"Should I get yellow or green?" I asked The step sister, choosing highlighters.
"Green lor." She answered.
"Okay. I’ll get yellow."
She went -_-"
------------------------------------

Had catch up and prata with Tqq in early mornin
Had a fun time at Botanic Gardens ystd (:
Tired but still (:
It perks me how invitations was sent out last min, and still we managed to had our little picnic, chit-chat.
And its amusing to see someone grabbed a muffin away, saying he wants to feed the swans...and when he came back empty hand,
"Wah, the swans really finished the muffin?"
"No. I fed them some, and finished all."
-.-"
Oh ya, I just had my own recipe of having nice coffee.
Put 2 cubes of willy wonka caramel’s chocolates in hot water, add coffee powder.
Viola!
Yummy happy drink.
ha Faithy, the chocolates you get for me when we went to watch The King and clown? 1/2 more pkt left.
Tired Tired Tired.
But looking forward to my break.
and tat someone would actually make the effort
To make time for me.
The date over there...
In the name of goodfriends.
Im anticipating.
---------------------------------------------

If I am the only one you have,
Then pls dun hide away your feelings from me.
Im no mind reader either okay.
Tell me you miss me.
And I may really consider.
*Im already leaving soon then still dun reply my msgs. Ass still say not sick of me?! ;P

Its My Life

2006-11-07T16:41:00.000+08:00

I had known about The AMD (Advanced Medical Directive) ever since I joined Nursing and I had make it my 21st present to myself to sign it.
And reading the news recently made me even more adamant of signing it.
I support the concept of living wills.
If Im in a state where Im practically dead save for a respirator tat 'makes' me breathe, why prolong the agony?
We're all born to die anyway.
Singapore's living wills allow you to say in advance tat you dun want to be artificially kept alive should you become terminally ill and unconscious.
The Directive states, "If I should suffer from a terminal illness and if I should become unconscious or incapable of exercising rational judgement so that I am unable to communicate my wishes to my doctor, no extraordinary life-sustaining treatment should be applied or given to me."
Advantage of a living will, is that should you rather die than to go through treatments tat merely prolong the process of dying, you can make your preference known before your no longer able to do so.
As your wishes are known, you dun have to pass on to your loved ones the heavy burden of whether to keep you alive, or let you die, and money isn't wasted on treatments tat are futile.
But then we would always be bothered by the many 'what ifs'.
What if, by a miracle, I could recover if I just gave myself more time not to die?
Because, who wants to die? Very, very few people, I think.
But would it be very selfish,
to dump the choice to your loved ones, who are already trying to cope with your accident, and another blow for them to decide on your life?
After all,
Its my life.

Bye!

2006-11-04T12:41:00.000+08:00

im goin for a long fuckin holiday...yeah!will only be back in the start dec(ive very long leave) or even longer if its fun :P
ive already reported to some and missed out a few.(but you guys would read this anyway)
dun think anyone would say they missed me over here in sg,
so..take care and have fun among yourselves then!
*leaving in a few days

THIS is to YOU

2006-10-25T15:18:00.000+08:00

Ive caught The Prestige. and i enjoyed it(even thought i felt it could have been cut shorter.)and my two companions was a)yawning about b)talking among themselves.

Perhaps, I owe an explanation to my people, but its not really in me to open up and share about. Many times, I 'd only tell when my probs are more or less settled.Its not only my insecurities tat's holdin me back, but rather...I dun really wished to worry anyone unnessarily.

Admit it,
But sometimes things tat matters and seem big to me,
may not be tat insignificant to you afterall.
Because we are two very different people,
with different backgrounds.
Not tat i only want you for the happy times,
but rather,
tat I'd be remembered as someone who's happy
then someone who grumbles and frowns all the time.
People always simplify and beautify things,
only because the thorn doesnt sting you.
I know you care.
So do i.
The sympathetic look you gave me,
I dun wish to see.

Chance upon an old friend

2006-10-23T22:37:00.000+08:00

I had been a sickly child since young.
Running and fellin down,
Goin to clinics,
Taking my medicines in toilet,
(for i will puke them out out after takin em)

An old friend came upon me last night.
who has not came for years.
When I thought I was healthy normal again.
Anyway the symptoms came in long ago, only which i keep denying them.

Im scared.
Really scared.
And this's not something you can take medicine for few days and be jumpin well again.

More emo then ever.

Untittled

2006-10-20T01:56:00.000+08:00

what if there was no lie
nothing wrong, nothing right
what if there was no time
and no reason, or rhyme
what if you should decide
That you don't want me there by your side
That you don't want me there in your life
what if I got it wrong and no poet or song
could put right what I got wrong
or make you feel I belong.

It hurts me, truly.
Tat you would think I would be happy without you.
It pains me, honestly
Tat you would think Im better off without you.
Afterall we loved each other so much before.
I wun deny the tears nor the laughter u gave to me.

Takecare and be safe.
I dunno if Ive the courage to see you off later.
but as you said,
maybe we could start all over after the 2years your bck.
i could try waiting, for you.

Perks

2006-10-17T10:23:00.000+08:00

I have to blog about this.
After so many heavy emo stuff had been goin on):
haha i had a short chatup with Gary last night(:
Me:hey how's it goin?
(Apparently he's now workin 5 days week in a research clinic. Wah Im SO fuckin envious lor~)
Him: Not too bad.
Him: Hey xiaohui said tat u have brokeup with a guy.So sad.
Me: 0_o
Him:Nairmind, consider me lar, Im STILL available.
Me: Okay. I'll take you and your younger brother!
Him: -__-
hahahaha.
Gary, I missed your lame jokes, whinnings, and your naggings for me to study lor!
Sigh. My dear old man,I love you so much! I really do!
And our love is beyond sex right?!
*wink*

Ps. FYI, Gary's 37 this year(makes him more then a decade old then me. And his younger bro is...35?)

I succumbed

2006-10-16T23:13:00.000+08:00

I have not told anyone bt this,
but i really am hating wat im doin now.
Im startin to hate nursing not because of its stress and hardload,
but rather of its obligations of heriachy.
Im hating how im bottling everything inside,
all the fustrations which i dunno who i can tell to.
(everyone has their own problems and i dunno who can i troubled mine with)
Sometimes i dun even think my people even understand wat im complaing about,
(but they are just tryin to be nice and listen)
tat being tat they arent there to see and feel wat its like for me.
But then i chose this path myself,
and its up to me to continue or end this trip.
I hate how I bring myself to be this.
I hate how im being put down by this.
Never
once was my self esteem so low before.
Never
had i been so unsure bt myself.
Never.
had i cried so much silently before.
Im turning into someone I dun even know.
Im losing my crown.
I dunno who to look for,
or who can i trust anymore.
I dun eat as much,
I dun talk as much.
I dun even laugh now.

And Today, while rushin all my work,
My tears threatened to drop
And
while walkin back home,
I almost broke down.
(if squirrel had not called up, i'd have cried my way home)
I wished.
I dun have to think about anything.
and just drown myself in malibu.
BAH!
Why do i feel so empty and lonely.

To Spinster

2006-10-16T02:12:00.000+08:00

Its Your day Spinster.
So have all your fun okay?
Even though your
not cute
(not blessed with the big eyes, sharp nose like yours truly)
not rich
not nice
(always pickin on funny ugly gals we see on streets)
cant drive
insists tat you have slimmer thighs then me
and always bullyin me.
(threatenin to go spca to sue me)
But I still love you all the same.
haha :P

I hope you had fun on Sat, as much as i hoped you would.
You seemed so troubled the last two weeks, tat I dunno wat I can do for you):
And so, I hoped the surprise did cheered you up
(Though you dun seem ruffled by it at all)
Lack of emotions lor, this boy.
-_-
If i were you and you were me,
I'd have been so happy and hugged princess ><
Hopefully,
you felt better after havin THE chat with me,
sigh. its been so long since we had such a well-deserving talk.
Im sorry for the occasional outbursts and interruptions by me :P
you know how i can get over-excited sometimes, and talk too much.
Promise to listen more and talk less!

Do you know wat it means to have no expectations over someone
so you would never feel tat your being let down?
But, you can have expectations of Princess.

I do really hope tat one day Prince Charming would come for you.
(Of course I'd be sad if you leave me... but I want you to be Happy)
And then I could be your bridesmaid!
Sometimes, I hope tat you could think less and do more.
Then you may not be quietly-upset.
Sometimes I wished you could let out 1/2 of your burden with me,
So I can be your clown and make you happy!
Sometimes I wished tat I could exchange places with you,
to feel wat its like to be like you,
and know wat hurt you so deeply.
Sometimes I wished tat you dun have so many friends,
So you can be with me 24/7 (selfish princess :P)
Sometimes I feel tat your so un-lucky,
To have me to stick by you shamelessly.

You asked me to talk more to you,
tat your no mind-reader.
I asked you to come to me more,
Because I am your owner.
Sometimes when i leave you alone for a period,
its just tat i thought you need some time off.
But if you need me to make you laugh,
open your window, and let me in.

Anyways,
Its my squirrel big day.
and he should have fun hoppin around!
Take less tobacco, and eat more (;
And Bad karma is for princess, not yours.

2006-10-12T17:06:00.000+08:00

I feel a bit out of it these few days
I'm not talking like myself
I'm not blogging like how i usually do
My sleep pattern and dreams are stranger then usual
(umm i have no dreams basically. I just nod off and zzz....)
My concentration is lagging badly
I keep on making excuses to shop more
(but ive no energy to go out in the streets)

For the 1st time since Faithy left 1month ago, we had our 1st msn conversation:

lalalalala says:
alamak
lalalalala says:
why our timing so like dat
lalalalala says:
hahaha
*KinkyPrinces* says:

lalalalala says:
i needa go sch nowwww
*KinkyPrinces* says:
):
*KinkyPrinces* says:
sigh
*KinkyPrinces* says:
got work mah
lalalalala says:
hahaha
*KinkyPrinces* says:
just had a nap and work up after work
*KinkyPrinces* says:
ha
*KinkyPrinces* says:
im replyin u email
*KinkyPrinces* says:
when u cum bck then can read lor
lalalalala says:

*KinkyPrinces* says:
i missed you faith
*KinkyPrinces* says:
(:
lalalalala says:
hahaha
lalalalala says:
okok
lalalalala says:
i miss u too!!!
*KinkyPrinces* says:
):
lalalalala says:
hey i give u my timetable.. so when u free u can come online sit sit
*KinkyPrinces* says:
(:
lalalalala says:
mon 12-1
tues 9-12
wed 12-4
thur 11-6
fri 10-3
lalalalala says:
all the timing u must plus 7 ok
*KinkyPrinces* says:
ha
*KinkyPrinces* says:
(:

*KinkyPrinces* says:
faithy im not strong lor
*KinkyPrinces* says:
im just a whiny spoilt brat
*KinkyPrinces* says:
and i received ur msg just now
*KinkyPrinces* says:
Its OK

*KinkyPrinces* says:
so happy
lalalalala says:
hahaha
lalalalala says:
sorry lehx.. i din check my phone until just now..
*KinkyPrinces* says:

lalalalala says:
i felt the vibration long time ago but i forgot to check until jux now
lalalalala says:
heeee
lalalalala says:
u are strong.. love makes u strong.. love from ur family.. love from Piggy and long distance love from me
*KinkyPrinces* says:
??
lalalalala says:
okiex my dear princess.. i gotta go le
lalalalala says:
write more in e email ok
*KinkyPrinces* says:

lalalalala says:
heeee
lalalalala says:
ichat with u again.. i will reply soon too
*KinkyPrinces* says:

lalalalala says:
anything msg me!!! i will be more alert..
lalalalala says:
heee
lalalalala says:
eeeeee
lalalalala says:
oh ya.. tonight den i tell u abt the weirdo dat kissed my hand
*KinkyPrinces* says:
ha

-----------------------------------
A surprise is brewing and im not tellin :P

Things i had wanted to say

2006-10-07T21:03:00.000+08:00

I got Fergie's cd. gettin steff sun's next..

Oh how i would want to put those champagne truffle and baileys mooncakes into my mouth.
Oh how im addicted to Baileys chcolate milkshake.
Now im being called a jiu gui by my sister.
Oh how Im an alcoholic.
Oh how much ive missed out from my people due to busy work schedule.
Oh how much i wished to excel in my work and not be left disappointed.
Oh how the haze looks like those misty fog like those in Cameron highlands..

Smoking and me
Honestly im starting to think tat im havin an affinity with smokers.
as much as i am asthmatic.
and would trigger my attacks when i inhaled those smoke.
i used to despise this smokers.
i would try my ultimate my smoker friends to stop/quit smoking.
Naggings, threats.
and how i get upset when they dun listen to me):
but then people and time changed me.
i'd accept them as they are.
And its seems tat people i loved are hard-core smokers.
Jo used to smoke @least 3pkts per day when i know her.
Xiao bird smoked 2-3pkts when we worked together. He used to ask me to get ciggies for him and stopped when i refused to.
My two bimbo bitches smoked 2-3 sticks per day, although they would try not do so infront of me.
Guardian smoked heavily too, and refuse to quit despite all my naggings.
And David, who would go for those short breaks for a puff..

Until recently, i was told by someone dear and close to me personally tat he smokes too.
Umm. @least you told me yourself, and not letting me find out from someone else.
But it surprises me how much you have changed.
You used to tell me tat you would never smoke and said smoking was bad when i smoked the water fragrance machine @ sammar.
You get me worried.
I thought, perhaps if i had been a better friend, you would not resolve to this.
If I had been much patient with you, to listen.
If I had not let work eat me up.
If I had not been ranting my own probs to you and did not let you start on yours.
once again im reminded how little and insignificant im.
Things tat dun kill you,
make you grow stronger.
When things dun turn well,
I tell myself, "At least Im still alive."
You get addicted to smoking.
I get addicted to drinking.
I wonder,
if smoking is really tat nice.
I would like to try too.
Just to feel how its like to be you..

Updates.

2006-10-03T10:10:00.000+08:00

Yesterday i dreamt about faithy came back. I dreamt tat I was complainin all the stupid things happenin around me.I also dreamt tat work was goin well, Friends was great, and there was a hyun bin beside me.

*Sigh*

Then when i woke up, all was over.

See? Was so stressed with work tat i have to cut off all the excess weight.

Now i looked like a boy lor -_-

The things I thought I knew

2006-09-18T12:08:00.000+08:00

But actually.
I dunno lor.

i used to think im good in understandin people.
Then i realised tat im not as good as readin people as i thought.

i used to think nothing/noone will pull me back to doing the things I wan to do.
Then family, friends, and him made me changed my mind.

i used to think i know my people very well.
Then i realised tat i dun even know anything.

Lucky for the sake of princess,
there's a thing called blog.

the things tat made me go (:

2006-09-17T22:56:00.000+08:00

I finally received my email from Faithy!

ha. i was nagging to Teletubby and the step sister over the days tat Faithy was gone and i have received no email, no msg, no nothing from her ):

And
On Sat i checked my email and saw I had an email from Faithy!
hahaha.
And then there I was showing off,jumpin around like a kangaroo, msgin to people tat I had received a email frm faithy.
And tat i was not forgotten by her afterall :P

I had bbq for dinner today @ home.
I love bbqs.
Even though they made your clothes, your hair go stinky smoky smell
Even though I have to buy, prepare, cut, season the meat and wash those vegs.
I still love them.
Its seems to me its like a family bonding thing.
And when The mother was arguing with The step-sister over something(i dunno wat)
I go, " Dun fight lar. Its a happy day! we are havin bbq!"
(:
Then The mother go, " Your the only one who's happy lor."
-___-"

We had lotsa mushrooms(shitake, golden, portbello) and seafood.
(We are a more vegs---less meat family)
I love mushrooms (:
-----------------------------------------------------

its the rainy season again.
and i love rainy days.
Even though the rain may stop and spoil our plans.
but its also a way which allow us to sit back and think.
i love to see the raindrops splattered, hittin the ground.
i love to hear the rain gushes and weeps.
i love to hide @ the comfort of my bed, my shelter durin rainy days.

Ive more/less settled things i should have done long ago.
No more wishy washy :]
i feel tat ive been relieved of a very heavy load.
Thanks too my people who left those very(amusing) touching comments.
Im more or less back to shape (:
ask me out okays?
I feel tat im goin to be a sua ku princess when steppin to town.
(ive not go town like 4months?(and still countin)
or maybe im becomin lazy lar.

The choice ive to make

2006-09-15T01:43:00.000+08:00

Isnt it sad tat you see two people who were once so crazy about each other couldnt even be friends after they part?

Its sad... isn’t it?

Sometimes I wonder if its all my fault.
Perhaps if i had been much more attentive, much more fun to be with...

Tonight I have to make a choice.

Im sorry.
I trust you. But I cant believe you anymore.
Because. I fear.
I never know which gal is goin to call me up again tellin me tat my boyfriend fucked her the night before.

After Forbidden City Tonight.

Sing like noone is listening.
Dance like noone is looking.
Love like you have never been hurt before.
Like like there's no tml.

*I'll try*

Final Letter

2006-09-12T23:12:00.000+08:00

Dear Squirrel,

Sometimes i really wonder just how much tolerance you have for the spoilt princess.
You spoil me rottens.
And i know its not 'cuz you wanted to get into my pants.
'cuz you swing a different way.

I love just how you would allow me to rant on you when things dun go right.
I love how you went benandjerrys the next day and even ate with me
(even though your in a diet) when i broke off with him.
I love how you brushed off those stupid rumours of you and me,
and still have fun with me.
I love how you would talk cock with me when you knew im not in the mood and state to talk.
I love how you would know the right things to say to make me laugh.
I love how thoughtful and sensitive you could be sometimes.
(well, most of the other times, you drive me -.-")

And.
I know sometimes, i really make you fustrated to the max.
But your still with me after all those shit.

Though sometimes i would have wished for you to be more open with me.
To tell me when your down and sick.
Just so I could be there for you like the way you had always been for me.
But i think your learning to let your defences down..?

There had been times when i get insecure of myself,
i faltered and stepped away,
but good o squirrel would always pull me back.
All these i knew and is grateful.

I would try to be a nicer owner,
I promised.
(with my fingers crossed)
For im afraid the SPCA may come after me if i dun.

While Faithy's gone,
Just bear with me,
and stick to my side okay?
your owner princess

Ps. Get well soon!!

Letter IIII

2006-09-12T22:58:00.000+08:00

Dear teletubby,

we are so much different tat sometimes i wonder how we came together as such great pals.
the different taste and touch we had
in food.
(i love chilli you love tomato)
in clothes.
(the dresses i would don on you wouldn even glance upon)
and
in men.
(haha. this i need not say)

But then,
there would be the similar traits tat pulled us together.
The love we had for faith.
and
how we would make time for one another.

I know there are some things some people would just keep to themselves.
but if you ever need me,
just call me anytime?
Now tat Faithy is gone,
you only have me.
hahahaha :P
Christmas, New year, Valentine's day,
and your birthday next year!

I love you for the way you love me as the girl i am.
your twin.

Letter III

2006-09-12T22:32:00.000+08:00

My Quen,

I always looked upon you.
Those four years in stc, and till now.
Your my first friend in stc.
and my best.

I love the way you would go out for me.
I love how you would try to squeeze me into your tight schedule.
I love how you would stood up for me.
I love how you tell me tat there would be a prince charming down there waiting for me(even if i doubt it)
I love you for the late night msgs you had with me.
And tat you always obliged to all my cravings :P
And I loved you for always cheering me on when i felt i couldnt move out from the dark shadows anymore.

I knew you worry for me.
And Im sorry to make you feel tat way.
Now,
Im much better.
Really (:

I wished for you to be blissfully blessed with ms gf.
and tat you would be able to do you honours.
(I believed you can do it!)
This time round,
let me be your cheerleader.
your friend.

Letter II

2006-09-11T23:33:00.000+08:00

My bad boy David,

It had been about a month since we had ended things.
I wouldnt say the hurt and pain had eased as fast(much) as I would have hoped for it to be.
But still,
I (do) hope tat things had been fine for you
(as i had been trying to pick things up now)
You were the first guy whom I had wanted a serious long relationship with.
But alas! those up there had threw a sexier, prettier, skinnier girl to you.
Must be those bad karma I had accumulated.
Or tat bad boys cant be trusted and last as mama had always said.

I never blamed you.
Because, I had believed tat you were true when you told me you loved me.
There are just endless things I loved about you.
I love you for bringing me into your life.
I love how you would hold my small short fingers and stuffed it in your pocket when i complained my hands were way too small.
I loved how you would drove me miles and miles away from the city when i was upset, just so tat the wind could blow away my troubles.
I love how you would bring Yakun toast to my house just because I had a craving for it.
I love how you would pull my ponytail to ask me to buck up when my self esteem run low.
I love to hear you curse as you talked about your work.
I love to see you grin and say tat we are goodfriends when people asked if we were together.
I love those intense kisses those warm hugs after each meeting we had.
I love you even before the day when you held my hand.
I love you even if it means having to wait for those late night calls.
I love you even though you always had to cancel off our dates last min due to work.
And yes, I still loved you when you told me there was another woman.
I loved you for the patience you had in me.
For the time you had for me.
And for you calling me Princess each time you called.

I will never forget them.
They were one of the best period i had in the last 20 years.
Do I still love you?
I will always love you and hope for you to be happy always.

Take care,
your princess.

Letter I

2006-09-11T14:13:00.000+08:00

Dear faithy,
how are you over at UK?
its been 4 days since you left me and each day i missed you more and more.
there are so many things i would have wanted to tell you at the airport but the words just could not been brought of my mouth.
*sigh*
and when i see you being so happy and excited about goin to a new place,
all the more i couldnt bear to let those tears rolled down.

Faithy
you are my fairy god mother who would always watch over me.
This I knew, and always appreciated.
Those late night msgs.
and the 'Okay' answers i always get from you no matter wat demand i have from you.
Now,
i feel that i could have done much more for you while you were here.
So,
Pls be safe and fine over there.
So tat i could repay my debts when your back here next june.
I would try my best(I hope) to be strong and work hard over here too so tat you wun have to worry about me.
There's this aching sensation i know time wun ease it.
But still,
Im happy if your (:

I never stopped missing you.
Your one and only

princess.

ps. Pitstop did an entry just for you. Go read it.. and email me as soon as you have internet access?

Farewell over @ Pitstop

2006-09-04T02:00:00.000+08:00

sigh.
This was the only thing I could give to you before you leave me, faithy.
This was left on the wall.just like how you left a place in my heart.

It doesnt have one (tittle)

2006-08-29T01:04:00.000+08:00

I know i hadn been bloggin much.
blame it on heavy work schedule.
and pure laziness.
-.-"
well during the rare hours when im free at home...
i'd be playing games
or
rather catch up my dates with zhou gong.
The mother would even called me up sometimes just to chat(hear my voice) :P

Anyway here are some photos
we took when we went back to school(2 weeks ago) for reminisce (:
To let you people know im still sloggin hard in this world.

And here's a photo with my fav. guy :P

Wat Unlucky-ness

2006-08-23T23:48:00.000+08:00

This is the Day...
In which I dropped my V3 in the toilet bowl while changing after work.
Tui.

Now it had been giving me pms treatment.
It shuts down as and when it likes.
-___-"

allows me to answer calls and reply my msgs when its happy.
Gives me the fuckin cold treatment when its not.

And so...
you grumble i dun ever reply you nowadays,
its not i dun want to.
but
rather tat I cant!
-.-"

Chop away those unhappiness

2006-08-15T09:39:00.000+08:00

New haircut.
New look.
New Beginnin
New Life (:

I had finally opt for a short crop! :P
And is very excited(happy) about it.
If only,
People around me are as enthusiastic as me
>_<

I would have go even shorter if my friend had let me to.

'You want a trim?'
(Shakes my head) 'No.'
'I want to cut short my hair.'
'Trim a little ?'
'No. Very short. Until my ear.'
'What?!'
'Yesh. Im sure about it.'
'Huh?'
'Come on!'
After showing me some pictorials, i decided on a very cool stylish boy crop.
But obviously my friend didn like me having my hair too short.

He said this,
'Eh later you cut your hair too short..then no guys will want you lor.'
'Why..wat happened?'

-___-"

And so he got me a softer short(not as short as I wanted though) feminie look.

'Aiyah. You dunno meh.. Ive changed my taste to girls now. Better keep your sister away from me.'

>.<

PS. Thanks to quen for the fireworks videoclip (:
I have seen it and its nice! I almost wished i was down there shouting squealing beside you :P

National Day

2006-08-12T08:09:00.000+08:00

Over @ Pitstop.

honestly Im not really in the mood to type those longlong essay of words.
so just enjoy the photos la okay?
afterall. A picture speaks a thousandwords..and you may figure out from all these how much fun we're having tat day (:

Here's how I intro Jia to Manfred and vice versa.
(To jia) "This is the one who always bullied me."
(To manfred) " This is the one who's always naggin @ me."
Tui.
-____-"
Honestly i think you two are going to hit it off lor.
Attacking me...

One of the 2 most nicely-taken picts of me :P

And here's a group portrait.
Try and spot the couple...
>_<

To end it off,
Dun pray play hor..
We are Sg's most influential Creative Directors!

Ultimately..

2006-08-10T23:29:00.000+08:00

You strut down alone.

When there's a begining, there's always an end.
When there's a meeting, there's a seperation.
You should have been ready to part the moment you meet.

Indeed.

Crying does wonders.

Moods

2006-08-09T23:41:00.000+08:00

I laugh
scream,
squeal,
shout,
giggle
and yell.
just like all of you.

But
why do i still feel ):
right now,
all i want is a good night's sleep
(i had been havin sleepness nights again. and i think maybe alcohol will help me sleep better tonight :I)
im tired.once again.
of all the people i have to fight against.
of the thoughts and tears i had been supressing.
(it appears to be true from Social Psychology Theory tat:
the more you try to supress your thoughts..the more it doesn't work.)
haiz.
beneath the pretense is just
a lonely poor aching soul.
I fear of confiding my deepest fears and bearing my soul to someone,
for now you may say 'its alright..you can talk to me.'
but for how long are you willing to be with me through this?
Soon
you may be tired of having a burden with you.
Tat I understand and do not blame.

Recenly i no longer like to be out with people,
because as we part and say goodbyes,
there's this bitter sour loneliness cuming to me,
never forgettin to remind me tat im still alone.

Yah.
Im *EMO*

Words

2006-08-07T02:24:00.000+08:00

It was not the best phase of my life as Im trying to struggle with my new status, work and stress.

and then re-adjusting to my life when things had been cleared.

I guess all this had sort of suck in my health and took it on my immune system?
making me sick, restless, moody...
and no appetite.

But.
Im fine.
I may not eat, not gone out for my regular shopping trips..
but i must still breathe.
Im really fine.
Yes, I had been telling my people all tat;
and im trying to believe it myself too.
Although
Someone told me tat 'You aren't exactly behaving like your fine..you know..'
haiz.
But then...
No use in self-sympathy rite?

And then,
People had been really xtra nice to me
(tat I cringe on their nice-ness to me. haha)
Teletubby had not suan me for the past one week so.(we went out for Popeyes on fri)
Faithy had been replying my msgs super fast(tat I cant believe her speed)
and
Squirrel had been cautious-ly nice to me too..(eating ben and jerrys with me)
*cringe*

Sometimes
I really wonder how much I had done in my past life to have people like these to love me so much.
Thank you.
It touches me tat just by sending a sad ): face, a phone call came right ahead.
and tat no questions, no buts was uttered when i asked for company to eat ice-cream the next day.
'How can I just sit down there and do nuthing when your so upset right...'
It makes me want to smile when i didn want to go out,
you wanted to bring a portable vcd player so tat we could catch the movie alone.
And naggings, moanings, threatens came up
to make me step out of the house
when all I wanted to do was to stay and lie in my bed.

Thanks.
(and i was really glad and touched tat no questions was asked.Because..honestly, the last thing i want was to be bombard with questions)

'How do you feel?'
'Like someone wrecked my heart out...and leave me here to bleed.'

Sometimes Somethings have their limits

2006-08-02T01:30:00.000+08:00

You know,
I dun really mind all the waiting in the late nights just to hear your tired voice.
I dun even mind the fact tat we cant meet as much as usual couples did.
But
Wat I do mind was
you may have not liked me as much as I thought you did.

Life Longings

2006-07-31T02:36:00.000+08:00

Sometimes when the goin gets tough,
you just want to drop everything and hide.

At this particular moment,
how i wished im a turtle.
just so i could hide inside my thick hard shell.

To shut my eyes from the images tat strikes my eyes
To keep my ears from the disturbing voices I den wanna hear
And
Tat I dun have to explain things I dun wished to.

But
I have no husk to hide into.
No love to run to.

So run to my bed,
covered from tip to toe I shall with the big blanket.
Away
To my own little princess land.

Is the wisdom calling?

2006-07-24T01:13:00.000+08:00

Im having a bad head-ache when i woke up in the morning.

Gawd knows wats wrong with me tat i seem to have trouble sleepin for the past few nights even when im really tired ):
Its like i would sleep for a few hours and then woke up in a jolt of sudden(@ around 2am?)
and tried different positions in tryin to sleep again

-____-

Or I would just turn and toss in my bed,
lookin for names in my phonebook to msg people for a chat.
Cuz probably..while waiting for their replies or talking to 'em..i would get bored and fall to sleep gradually..
Yeah. pretty selfish of me..i know :P

This is starting to affect my lifestyle.
tat I was late for brunch @ C&F with goodfriend leaving him baffled and worried while waiting for me.

Haiz.
and then i have a swollen gland below my cheek tat i hoped its not because of my wisdom tooth.
I wouldnt want to go for an op ):

Cannot eat already very sad for me.
Cannot talk?
wah. must well let me pain to death.

O___0

Postnote:
It doesnt hurt after 2 days.maybe the tooth found its place to continue growing.
><

The new addiction kickings

2006-07-22T13:05:00.000+08:00

I have concluded tat Pitstop is really adictive.
I keep goin back there on a weekly basis for its games and coffee (:

Its pretty sweet tat Im recognised by the crew
and
tat their pricings are affordable.

Ps.Look over to their blog which they blogged about us(:
now we are stars too!

Postnote:
Was hopin to catch The Lakehouse this week when its out.
Somehow this movie reminds me of The Timetraveller's wife.
With my fav actors/actress in it (:
haiz. i know Goodfriend wouldnt had the time to watch it with me...
so I psycho Squirrel to go with me.
and he tells me this,
"Eh..I would cry if I watch it lor..."

-____-

"Huh. dun worry. I promised not to laugh too loudly when I see you crying."

The Surprised Birthday Bash

2006-07-16T23:21:00.000+08:00

The things tat got me sleepless 2 nights before:

-Worrying tat somehow Faithy would actually forget her date with me
-Worrying tat somehow I would be late for our date and got caught with the cake(!)
-Worrying tat somehow..things wun turn out the way I wanted it to be...

I was worryin for nothing, apparently...
with the good and friendly people from Pitstop Cafe..Everything turned out great!! (:

Check out Faithy's happy(surprised face)
with the yummy erotic chocolate cake i picked out from Swissbake Taka.

I only asked the people over there to deliver the cake to us after we made our orders.
All those lights off, singing was planned by them.. (:

Together with the Birthday gal.

Everything over there is so cute and friendly!

We were the 1st group to reach and the noisest bunch :P

For less than 15bucks,
we get to have a main course(large yummy servings) , soup of the day, drinks and 2hours of gaming!
we played Taboo, Bonkus(I found this interesting, strategy-plannin), the railway train game, and this other animal-game (where you have to got the wits)

I get to slurp in my flowery coffee.

^_^

And when we were leaving, we were asked to take a picture and leave our writings,drawings on the wall.

The bosses were so good tat they even gave Faith a photo F.O.C, and offered to take a 2nd pict for us when me(umm..) lamented tat I dun look pretty in the 1st pict... :P

got these cookies for the Pitstop people as a token of thanks!
(noone believed me when i told em it was from ME! -_- as if I dun do something nice for people wan)

Pitstop cafe
5 stars***** for their friendly-extra service :D
A place for your friends to have fun!

The place where me is goin to stick as my next fav. hangout.

Check out their blog

sigh

2006-07-08T04:36:00.000+08:00

Dun make me promises just to break them again and again.

Sometimes,
I think tat I care too much, and involve too much.crossing the lines and its boundaries.

and so why do i try so hard trying to protect the small little boy?

why do i try so hard to jest?

I did not know wat to expect and was a little worried about wat I might see, about how would I feel.

I just want to be the little princess being held up high.

And sometimes,
with just a company to Benandjerrys would be enough for me to smile.

I could not bear to hear these things, nor did I think my resolution would hold if i remain sittin beside you.
The scream of horror never left me, silent and unmoving, forcing me to watch, to feel.

Though I had moments when the horrible fact of it threatened to overwhelm me, there were blank sketches of numbness where, despite the fact tat nobody was talkin about anything else in my whole kingdom, I still find it difficult to believe tat you are really gone.

I am desperately looking for some kind of loophole, someway tat you would really come back.
There was no waking from this nightmare,no comforting whisper in the dark tat I was safe.Really safe.
Tat it was all in my imagination, The last and greatest of my protectors had left.
And I was more alone than I ever had before.

It's so easy to be physically close to another person, but not emotionally.

That... Can neither be replaced, nor replicated.

The King, Clown and Me

2006-07-06T23:21:00.000+08:00

Its been rather long since I ever cried tat hard for a show.
think the last time i ever cried was while readin TimeTraveller'sWife.

I wouldn cry for a movie
becauses deep in my sub-conscious mind I knew they were acting.
Actors act.
And therefore, one should not always put in too much heart while watching.
Watchers watch.

But somehow,
I seem to lose all my senses and rationale watch watchin The King and Clown.

and got myself very sad and moody in the end ):

everyone in the movie seem to be a tragedy itself.

The King
who seem to lose himself after he lost his mother through jealousy and evil schemes.
The one who seem to have it all,
seems not to have anything at all.
He who dun know how to love.
He who puts his love to a little boy.

The Protector
who would put his life for the one he loved.
who sees his beloved being taken away from him.
He who loved.
But was he loved?

The One
who was loved.
who seem so frail and weak
tat he needs someone by his side to protect and love him.
Jesters Jest.

It was not a typical happy ending.
But I would like to think it as it is.
Tat they are perhaps,
happily together and blissed.
Maybe,
Someday,
I would also have a pretty someone with me,
who i would be willing to even die for.
All these tearing sort of make me feel tired.

Do catch The King and Clown.
Its worth the 7bucks you paid for (:

*Postnote*
When we went to get the tickets @ Cathy, we were asked to produce our IC.
The show was NC16.
-___-

and as you know, the princess dun bring around her IC(unless when clubbing) in fear of droppin it and payin 100bucks for a duplicate.
And so I started frantically checking for a proof of identity tat I was way above 16.
(It was the 1st time tat I was asked for sum identification proof for my age. Buy beer at 7/11 also dun have. Go clubbing, just go in like tat..)
Finally got hold of a student pass and shoved it to them.

-_____-

Wat irks me the most is the ticket booth gals looks way younger then me.

But was I supposed to be flattered..you know?
tat they may possibly think Im acturally even younger?

Aye. must have the Ah Q spirit wut.

Life(!)

2006-07-04T13:16:00.000+08:00

At the back of my mind i did have this nagging feeling asking me to blog,
with all the right things i wanted to blog about.
but then i just couldnt find the perfect timing to sit infront of the PC and start typing.

-____-

I think work is eating me slowly out of his hands.(i said his because i see work as a idiotic male figure)

I have no time for myself.
For my so-called free time.
No time for entertain Friends.
I had missed 3 gatherings(Pri School Dinner, Theresian Outing, and then Lunch out with Gary and gang)
Haiz.
Soon they will forget all about this little small princess working her ass out ):
And stopped askin me out.

No life.
No friends.

And it finally took me a week so for me to catch The King and The Clown tml(Finally!)

I had been waiting(very)patiently for the movie.
Gawd.
Lee Joon Ki is pretty.
and cute.
We were walking around at AMK when we happened to see the big poster hanging at the wall(which Im very tempted to call it my own).
I was oggling.
And I turned around, happened to see my guy-straight-friend looking at it too.

'Whoa.tat's a gal?'
'No lar, Its Lee Joon ki. He's a guy.And he's MINE.'
'Umm.If he's a gal...he'd be a very pretty one.'

o____0

Im starting to wonder if my friend is as straight as he seems.

But then.
If i was a guy,
I'd turn gay for him too.
:P

Goodbyes

2006-06-30T01:39:00.000+08:00

If I could have a world of my own
with my own made rules to comply,

There would be no goodbyes.
No lovedones leaving us for the chicken-wings trees up there,
No friends leaving us because of the vhocolates across the border.

):

Me is sad because Faithy is leaving for further studies soon.
somewhere in sept i think.
I knew this was going to happen some day.
But i just didnt want it to happen so soon.
Im happy for her,
to be able to go and work hard and invest in an area(Accounts! ohgawd) she likes.
But then Im also unhappy for me.
The good dolly angel in me says I shouldnt be so selfish.
But then
I'd missed her.
Its not goin to be the same anymore.
Well.
I know im not the only one feeling this way,
(Faith has way too many good friends).
But
I would still like to think tat Im very upset about it...Can?

Everyone says to spent more time with her while we can.
I hope so too.

*Sigh*

You said you knew how i feel.
Do you really know?
Or are you just tryin to make me feel a bit more better?
Because everyone is different,
and we are made up of our own little big experiences.
and we see things differently through different views.

then how would you know how im feeling now?

:I

2006-06-24T22:26:00.000+08:00

People Envy Your Compassion

You have a kind heart and an unusual empathy for all living creatures. You tend to absorb others' happiness and pain.
People envy your compassion, and more importantly, the connections it helps you build. And compassionate as you are, you feel for them.

What Do People Envy About You?

Your Animal Personality

Your Power Animal: Deer

Animal You Were in a Past Life: Panda

You are a fun-seeker - an adventurous, risk-taker.
While you are spontaneous, you are not very rational.

The Animal Personality Test

Updates

2006-06-16T01:20:00.000+08:00

Me was happily telling everyone wat I wanted to do if I had the time(money).

Me want to learn the Er Hu!

(:

But then when i told my people,

They all gave me the damn weird funny faces.

0_o

"Huh. the Er hu?"

"Dun tellme your latest interest are the ah-peks?"

"Why cant you learn something more normal?"

Because im not interested in normal common instruments.

And me is really interested in the Er Hu for a few years but just tat i cant seem to find a place to learn it.

Anyone has any idea where to learn the Er hu?

Or maybe i should really go down to Chinatown and learn from those Ah peks(?)

hee ><

I want to learn inline skating also.
Anyone who knows the game(or friends who knows it) can teach me for free?
Then when I have the money and got the hang of it...
I can buy my own gear and skates (:

Me is still full from yesterday's feast @ Hongkong Cafe @ Novena with good friend.

It was unbearable,
I would not think about it, I could not stand it.

***There was a terrible hollow inside me tat I did not want to feel or examine, a dark hole where you had been, where you had vanished,
I did not want to have to be alone with tat great silent space which I could not stand.

I care so much I feel as though I will bleed to death with the pain of it.
I wanted to rush at you, and break you too.
Shatter tat calm face of yours, shake you, hurt you.
Just to make you feel some tiny part of the horror inside me.***

The News

2006-06-14T15:01:00.000+08:00

I was talking to The Mother about the recent news report of The Gay Doctor who was arrested for taking drugs and possessing them.

I felt sorry for him.

And it seems tat he was cheated into bringing drugs to the hotel and was nabbed by the police.

"Its like.. he was tricked into bringing drugs to them! And maybe he had thought tat he had found someone who understands him."
"But if he hadnt have them, he would not have fallen for the trick."
"But he did refused them twice. And maybe if they hadnt pester him again, he may not have do it anymore."
"The police wouldnt do all these if they hadnt had any evidence. They must have some proof against him for them to do this."

-____-

Its like you dumped a lump sum of money to see who would picked it up, and then when people fall for tat, you go and catch him!

And then the media had to full blow his photo everywhere.

I really feel sorry for him.

Because, maybe if he had not fallen for this, he may quit, and maybe he would not be caught and got his future ruined.

Even if he really got his licence,(which I seriously doubt he would)
Nobody, would trust him anymore.
Tell me, who would allow their doctor to be an offender?

-____-

And then his father had to sell of their flat to pay back the bond he took on.

It aint easy to be a doctor.
It aint easy being a doctor in Singapore.

And somehow,
This news reminds me of the movie which Tom Cruise starred in--- Minority Report.
Which the police killed people(criminals) whom were believed to commit crimes in the future.

So unfair.
No second chance?

Here's my sleepition

2006-06-12T15:26:00.000+08:00

wah.

Quite true.

But where's my power and fortune huh?

*Peeps dun msg me in frienster.But msg me via sms phone? Cuz i dun really go up to frienster anymore, of all those weird chat-up msgs I get from weird cranky desperate unknown people..Im not even bothered to reply 'em.*

The feeling of being in love

2006-06-12T03:19:00.000+08:00

Wats the feeling of being in love?

Is it...

taking his happiness for your happiness?

Being proud when he has achieved something he's worked long for?

Wanting to be the first to know of his everythings?

When he gets down and upset,
you would feel uneasy somehow somewhere deep in the heart too?

When people talks bad about him,
you wouldn hesistate to stand up for the one you believed in?

When he gets sick,
You started fallin sick too?

Trusting
And believing in his promises?
Yet when he does not do wat he preach,
You make excuses for his broken promises?

With him filling up ur every thoughts,
every moment of space?

Tat you start dependin on him
And gets insecure when he is not with you?

*sigh*
Then I wouldn want to be tangled in this business for the moment.

It gets scary
when u start believing in a fantasy,
and it crumbles infront of you
and gets eaten up.

A Gals Night out

2006-06-11T23:25:00.000+08:00

Frankly speaking,
the Food and Service @ Fish and Co Wheelock wasn't up to their usual standards.

And how i have to wave my hands up high twice to get my orders taken?
And later waving my hands up high(again) to have my bill?
Gosh. I really feel like just walking out and not paying
Because
I was gawdamn sure the Boys behind the counter in front saw me.
Im paying you and you dun want it?!
-_-'

Before tat,
On how long I have to wait for my food?

Honestly
I can wait as long as it takes for my food to be served.
If the food is promised to be good.

But I really cant tahan when they took ages(more then 40mins) to serve my food,
and its like they anyhow cooked it and chuck for u!
The food wasnt nice.
The portion was pathetic.
Me think my dog would still wag his tail beside me asking for more if I fed him the amount of rice tat was served to me.
-_-
and the place wasnt even fullhouse mind you!

I would really want to call the irritating short malay waiter for a scolding of his stupid irritatin attitude.

Or simply just call the manager to cancel our orders and COMPLAIN.

But then,
the 2 Philipino waitress who took our orders and later gave us extra sauces was cute polite and nice.
*sigh*

The rest of the staff over there should really learnt from these 2 gals, or from the friendly staff of Starbucks @ Prince Crown's Hotel.

Luckily the poor service and everything hadn dampen our spirits.

(my eyes look tired...I know)
we were still in the high mood to entertain ourselves.

well I was high already @ starbucks after seeing this guy lickin his whipped cream from the green straw. Gawd. His intensive big eyes...
just tat after i told the gals about this,
they looked at me,
'Umm. but I thought he is gay?'

O_0

So were we Gossipin?
Not goin to share it over here.
hahaha basically just talkin about wats happening around us,
The teachers back in STC,
our classmates who we hadn see in a while.

And of cuz,
I get my usual naggings on why I wasnt attached.

Aiyoh, I think these people is really testing my patience.
You all really want me to break down and cry,
'Because The Boys dun want me. They see me as a boy also...'

then you happy izzit?
You all think its so easy to get hooked with a 1.85m tall guy with Rain's bod and features, with a long flexi tongue huh.

And Miss Gan was still askin about Gary.
-_-

For the 1000th and last time,
No.
I was never with him in the past.
And we never will.
Cuz our intimate relationship goes beyond simple plain boring friendship.
MwaHahaha :P

Teletubby was saboh-ing me with Squirrel.
For the 100th and last time,
No.
we were not together.
And never will in the future.
Because Im not a guy,
and he's not my type.
He dun have a long tongue and cant twirl a cherry's stick.

Tsk.Tsk.
No wonder I dun have guys chasing me like bees to honey.
with all these fake rumours goin round,
who would still wan me?!

scoldings from Miss Gan Jiazhen on how com i never ask her out for gatherings.
She's like my step-mother u know?
Back in STC, she used to scold me when I tease(bully) the funny gals.
I was training their sense of humour wut.

Back to the topic on how less we get to see each other,
well sometimes our schedules clashes,
and its hard(fustrating) to get everyone together.
THIS is not MY excuse(!?)
But now tat i know how flexible your with everyone,
then Me promise to ask you out during weekends okay?

Princess never break her promise wan.

(we were listening to the ipods models. Me was not acting cool horz. But tat I was listening to my o time fav boyband BOYZONE crooning love songs to me)

(:

Me and my people

2006-06-07T15:43:00.000+08:00

I realised i had found a talent deep within myself.

If i really wanted.and in the mood.
I can talk to anyone, related or non-related to me.if i had the mood to entertain.
I think its due to all those 3 years of attachment days i had all over places.

I could chatup with really cute guys without gettin my cheeks being burned, stammering(though my heart would be beatin fuckin hard)

I could talk to the elderly about their grandsons(who would be almost the same age as me)

I could talk to the crazy about their fantasies and life stories.
(For these stories i had heard..I'd keep them to myself till gatherin times..to prevent people from tellin me,'Oh i read this on your blog already.')

I could even talk to strangers I just met like for o time sake.

Well. this all depends to my mood, if I had the mood to entertain.
Anything to talk about.

Books for those IQ ones.

Childhood Cartoon heroes usually perks people up (:

Food is the common topic for fellow Sporeans.

Gone were the days in which i would squirm squemish inside when meetin people.

Is this a good thing?
Had i lost all those innocence in me? Which even when I see those i dislike I would force a smile out.?

-_-

For now, I dun think so.

Because i had always split people i met into 2 seperate cliques.

The ones whom I called my friends--
were the ones I would loved and protect.
Who I would not hesitate to give my ears and shoulders for.
Who i would pester them(when i know they are troubled inside with a cause I may not know about)with cranky stories of myself.
Who I laugh when they are happy.
Who I would stand up for when they are wronged.
Who I would frown when they are upset.

They have the means to make me feel like a princess :p
laugh,giggle,cry and frown.
And yes, many times, our relationship had crossed beyond the friendship border. Because they seemed more like friends to me.

They are my pets (:

Im their princess :D

The other belongs to the 'hi-bye' group.

Those who come to you when you have something they want.
Well. its okay with me. As long as i get the (occasional) company I want from you too.

Which group do you belong to?

And how many types of group do you have?

The sixth day of the sixth month in the year 06

2006-06-06T03:15:00.000+08:00

I was asked to play the...
Game of Wat Ifs.

Wat if.Your child turns out to be gay?
(I had a friend who said he'd kill his kid)

I seriously doubt I'd have a child.But if I have and he IS.then tats his decision and he's the one who has to live with it right?
(I asked my own mother the same qn and she gives me the same answer)

Honestly, I would rather be gay, attached and old.
Then to be straight,single and old.

I have no preferances over guys and gals.
As long as you can make me happy in your own little.or big way.

Mwahaha :P

I had a date this weekend which I dun wished to talk about for fear of burstin the happy bubble in my hands . Then i would be damn emo lor.

I wun be sick.I wun let the itch in throat becomes a sore one.I wun let the headache turns to a fever.

I wun be sick because I said so.

MY weekend was like this...

2006-06-05T02:38:00.000+08:00

I spent the whole day with an old old friend.

A friend whom I have not seen...since 4years ago?(after our o levels grad)
honestly. we had not been hangin out much after sec 2(?) but its amazing we had so much to talk and have fun with ;P

Zouk's Flea and Easy was great (:

It was a huge surprise when we reach there around 2.35pm(it starts @ 2pm) and there were already a big pack crowding in.
There were the usual things to shop for.
Clothes, Bags, Handmade belts,earings,necklaces, Vintage stuff.
Cheap drinks :D

Did i get anything?

Wat do you think?

After tucking in between the people(hey im not jokin when i said there were many people okay?its like around hundreds of people in barely 2hrs it started),and gettin touched(i got my small smooth hands touched while walkin down the stairs),bumped,inhaling cigarette smoke, I finally got 2pairs of vintage earings and a necklace. I'd have gotten more things if there werent so many people jostlin around me in Zouk.

Honestly, too many people makes me get panic attacks.

-_-

Perhaps i'll put up picts later on of my rewards.Ive tend to get more accessories then clothes I had.I know... I hadn been bloggin much the last of May nor doin anythin on Flickr.

Dun really have the mood ):

Hopefully, the pri.sch gathering works out on Sat. keepin my skinny fingers crossed xP

I've hardly been outside this room in days,
cause I don't feel that I deserve the sunshine's rays.
the darkness helps until the whiskey wears away
and it's then I realize the conscience never fades.

Sometimes, I dun even feel like goin out to buy food. Succumbin to the oat milk in the fridge.Maybe then I would grow skinny :p

THE 24

2006-05-26T12:06:00.000+08:00

weird facts/things/habits about yourself
1. I really dunno why my foot sorts of turn inwards when i walk. which’s why my soles of my shoes would usually have this inward bend inside.(The mother always complains about this)

2. I have weak knees which will buckle occasionally when I walk.

3. My stomach does not digest food normally. I would usually puke when im too full and yet not feel hungry when im awake for more then 6hrs.

4. I have very good hearing. I can hear the slightest mutterings.

5. This also means I am very sensitive. Hearing things people normally dun.

6. Most people I know don't look all that different with or without their glasses. I am apparently, unrecognisable.

7. I am not good at faces. and names.

8. Which’s why I would sometimes secretly give them nicknames to people i just knew in order to remember them :P

9. I hate pineapples.Yeeks.

10. Im digusted of papayas because of their jelly-like-black-seeds. Its like a thousand eyes looking at u when you slice them open.

11. I can only eat my food with chilli.

12. I cannot whistle.

13. I smell my feet when im bored.

14. I never wear tube tops/dresses.

15. I enjoy seeing blood.(yah so sicko right?)

16. I have never been in a proper long-maintaining relationship.

17. I can continue laughing for 5 over mins (reacting the funny scene in my mind over and over) once hit a funny spot.

18. I can sleep really well at buses and trains.

19. I dun like to drink plain water. I can drink coke, green teas, oat milk, fresh milk the whole day w/o drinkin plain water.

20. My hands are small(the palm size of a 1.5m gal) and my feets are small(size 5) when u compare them to my size-- 1.65m, 52kg.

21. I dun eat fruits. I drink fruit juices only.(cuz its much easier to swallow then to chew and then swallow)

22. I can ignore someone totally(for a long time) when im unhappy with em.

23. Im quite a good chef. I could whip up more decent meals then people of my age.( I know, my friends dun believe this. but my food is edible and usually turns up great okay?)

24. I like to eat but hate to cook

Happy Life

2006-05-15T00:05:00.000+08:00

Happy Thoughts.

Happy Photos :D

Arab Street Night out

2006-05-10T11:55:00.000+08:00

I was out with the Gang the whole night yesterday @ Arab street.
Thanks Peeps (:
I really appreciate it.
All those effort you guys did for me :D

The food was great.
We had turkish kerbabs @ this restaurant.
(It was my 1st time eating @ Arab street)
It wasnt even expensive too.
The only things is
Mr Buaya has been makin comments on how slow I ate
and very little too.
He made this stupid unbelievin face when I told him I had been eating less,
due to no appetite.
in which he proceeds to ask..
"then got vomit anot...?"

-_-

Well I would certainly come back for more...
If I still remember the directions to(tat is)

0_o

After dinner,
we went to this other place next door
EL-SHEIKH
where we sat upstairs.
and smoked our way through :P

we were smoking @ this pipe
which produces this fruity(depending on wat flavour you choose.we chose grape) smell which you inhaled in and out.
Almost like ciggrette smokin lor.

The positions we were sitting,
lying comfortably @ the cushions,
its almost like wat the people do when they smoked opium in the old days.

A few drinks and smoke was enuff to get us high.
Took a few picts.
To be uploaded here when I gotten them.
(Then you would fully understand wat was i talking about)

And I was really touched when CHeesyNuri took out cakes out with candles(!).

'To celebrate your birthday wat.'

It was really really sweet of her to think of this.
and Me was really very happy and touched.
Because I had not had a bite of cake @ all at this 20th birthday.
Thanks Gal!

ANd
tat was how the night was spent.
Chilling out lazily
Complaining of the stupid shit we have to do @ the hospitals.
and laughing crazily for the cameras.

*Really tired these days.havent had enuff sleep and cash.So i would orobably hibernate @ home.well maybe till Da Vinci comes out next thurs.*

THis IS the Day.

2006-05-08T23:40:00.000+08:00

When
I turn 20...

Thank you people
who msged me (:

MY 2 Primary School Best Frens
Mr. eeyoreIan And Ms. SnoopyPei Yi (:

My Secondary Pals
Karen who left me a Friendster Testimonial (:
Emperess Quen who spent the Day with me @ Sentosa
(Enduring all my stoning moments. Haha I do admit tat I was abit of wreck to be with.) So, This is for u.
Teletubby who spent a while with me @ Starbucks.
Faithy who spent the night late with me before on MSN listening to me :P
YaoYao

MY POLY Pals
Xiaohui who msged me from Malaysia(Me is really touched)
Siti the ever attentive one.
Selene who left me a Friendster testimonial.
Halwa who planned the night out the next day.
and to MY whole gang for the lovely present.
A BLUSH! Tankini :P
-----------------------------------------
Spent almost the whole day @ Sentosa with THeEmperessQuen and later meetin Teletubby for drinks + snacks @ Starbucks in town.
I really loved the Starbucks over there @ Crown's Hotel(where the old Singtel used to be)
It may be the decor.
The bright sunny appearance.
The friendly perks-u-up attitude of the people over there...
Or
just another excuse to catch the *cute* guy :P
Anyhow,
I think i wa feeling a tad too tired in the day
and only did warmed up when Teletubby arrived.
(anyone, with 4 straight conseq. days spent their days out would feel the same, okay?)

The night was spent @ Novena's watching my friend eating dinner.
while i sipped in my Ribenna.
(as one was too hungry for ice cream while the other was too full for tat)
*SHoo*
Whoever said that drinking Ribbenna and gummy sweets wun grow tall?
-_-

But before we actually met,
there were a few hiccups.
I always thought(misunderstood) tat Benandjerrys were @ Novena's Square when it was @ United Square.
BUt I do know the directions to go there,
just tat I always messed up the names of the buildings wrongly.

O_o

So when I happily msged my friend to meet me @ Novena Square when ive reached...
when I was walking to the direction of United Square.

0_o

I only realised my mistake when I reached United Square and saw the sign.

-_-

I quickly msged to notify my friend of the changes.

After going to the Ladies and walking around for 10mins,
there was still no sign of my friend.

'Hey to meet at united square right?'
'Aye.but im @ Novena's.'
'Huh. Didnt I told you of the change...?Okay i'll come now to meet you.'

As i was walking down the escalator,
I saw my friend coming up.

Didnt you received my msg? I swear I did msged!'
'No leh.'
'Aiyoh then why didn you call when you didn see me for so long?'
'Cuz you..always late wat.'

=__='

'Then wat if I didn msg you? Are you just goin to wait down there?'
'Yah lor.'

-_-

Dunno my pet(friend) is naively cute or wat.

*PHOTOS of THe Day*

I am (:
Sense my Joy?
haha.
maybe those up there are just feelin sorry for being too hard on me the last 2months.and decided to let me off for the time being.
Thank you
For tolerating me
again and again.
although times i do wonder when you would finally stop givin in to me.
But then i thought,
wattheheck.
I shall live one day as it goes (:

To the one I missed

2006-05-07T00:43:00.000+08:00

How have you been?
It has been 3 years since you were gone.
Have you really gone to a better place like I thought(hope) you had?
Is it a place full of laughter peace and fun?

It had been 2 years of reunion dinner without you.
The arm chair resting over @ the living room seems so lonely without you.
Daddy missed the queh you used to make.
I missed the tang yuan you used to cook.

All these years, I'd hate myself when May draws near.
Because if perhaps, I had spent more time and effort.
I'd have understood you better.
Because if I had gone to see you at tat time,
I'd not been regretting now.

But, anyhow,
I wanted to tell you tat we have a new member in our family.
The 1st great-grandchild you would have.
we would be celebrating her new arrival tml (:
And tat Im 20 and graduating soon.
But I would not be continuing Nursing.
Who am I to help others...
If I cant even help relief of your pain and suffering 3years back?
But all these tat had happened and made me been more attentive to people and (hopefully) understanding to the elderly.

Looking at the only family portrait I have:
Looking at how small I was.
How old you were.
Perhaps, I should have thanked those up there for taking you w/o you suffering for weeks.
Perhaps, I should have been grateful tat you were still able to laugh and listened to us chat tat day @the hospital after 2-3 days of your confusion state.

Perhaps, Perhaps.
Perhaps one day(and not very far),
I'd see you again.
Resting at the arm chair.

your granddaughter,
sin yee

Tokens Of Thanks

2006-05-06T20:39:00.000+08:00

Spent my last 2 days of being 19 with Quen before I stepped into the twenties club.

haha (:

Well.
I guess do owe a few thanks to people over here.

Thanks Quen.
For accompanying me to Dingtaifeng for brunch today.
Curing me of my xiaolongbao and Lamian’s cravings :P
For Listening me to my nonsensical and no linking stories.
I know I seem not paying attention when you were talkin(actually i was payin attention and looking at the people scenery @the same time!).
I dun think im very good company these days ):
For the adidas cap which i handpicked myself over @ Pacific Plaza.
For the handmade photo and letter (:

Thanks Faithy.
For your handmade photoframe.
For your accompany the whole day yesterday.
For your understanding.
For trying so hard to try to celebrate 8th may for me.
And going along for Benandjerrys @Novena (:
Thanks Teletubby.
For your handmade card.
For your choice of not interfering.
For believing me tat i would chose wats best for me.
For your small cute little bag (:

Thanks Yaoyao.
For trying so hard.
very hard to celebrate 8th may for me.
I really appreciate it (:
But if we cant really work out a time and day tat pleases everybody,
its really no big deal for me.Because I dun want any trouble for you guys.
Its the sincere effort tat matters at the end of the day after all.

Thanks Bin.
For coming with us to our very rushed over meeting @ Novena.
Really Really appreciate you agreeing to join us at last min notice.
Haha.
I never knew I had such a influence on my friends (:
You asked if I was happy.
I said
If you are happy,
Im happy also :l

2 days of meeting up with people makes me feeling tired(yes).
(luckily for 2 days of Starbucks and with small-eyed friendly guy’s attempt to chatup)
And pleased(?) with myself.
I seem to understand each and everyone’s preferences better now.
It really seems tat I was assuming way too much in the past.
And the so-call-facts which i thought was actually incorrect.

-_-

okay.

so now I know how to plan my dates with people okay?

I thank and appreciate everyone's concern.

I seriously think i wasnt being good wild company these days.

But i do hope my nail-growing story perk you guys up.
haha. I know I was stupid.

But if it makes you people laugh...
and connects everyone..

why not?

i

2006-05-04T16:05:00.000+08:00

I AM: A ~~snobbish princess~~ Simple Girl
I WANT: To be happy with my loved ones happy too
I WISH: To get rid of my waste fats
I HATE: To be misunderstood and accused of the things i didn do
I MISS: My Primary School Days
I FEAR: Losing the ones who loved me
I HEAR: My sister's snorings :P
I WONDER: If I'll ever get married.
I REGRET:Not treasuring my r/s with Jo,not spendin more time with ah ma, not chosing Fashion to study
I AM NOT: A high maintainence wild party gal who only knows how to spent money
I DANCE: When I'm Happy (:
I SING: When Noone is with me
I CRY: When I have too much in heart
I AM NOT ALWAYS: As sharp and strong as I wanted to be
I MAKE WITH MY HANDS: Cards and Things for those who matters
I WRITE: To share a slice of me
I CONFUSE: What I want in life
I NEED: A man who's willing to spent his money on Benandjerrys for me(and eat with me,of course)
I SHOULD: Read more, think more, talk less, eat less
I START:To cook @ the age of 8
I FINISH: Things fast
I LOVE: The Sun, The Sea
I REMEMBER: Things which i dun wished to

The Non-relatedness

2006-05-03T11:58:00.000+08:00

Im NOT Happy (:
Im NOT Sad ):

Just Feeling a little..
Tired?
But,
Im fine.Im fine :l

Or
at least I tried my very best to be.
OKAY?
After 3 bars of Toblerone, 5bars of Gummies, 1 pkt of Peanut Butter M&Ms.
Maybe I would (:

Fear not lar,
Im not goin to finish all at a go.
Its just tat i run of Willywonkas and my benandjerrys and have to reolve to these.

Well.
at least i get to sleep all i want after fri.
i think im goin to lay on my bed not doing anything the whole week next.
bunkin around in my room.
(Not tat i havent been sleeping)
But it just seems tat even with my average(10) sleepin hrs..
im still having eyebags and tat tired look/feeling on my face?!
Horigible man );

5 more days to my 20th.
why am i not feeling anything(happy)?

well.
if you are still thinkin of wat to buy for Ms.who-dun-have-it-all,
look here.
Or
get me something i need(want).

Paulfrank watches
Vintage Jewelleries?
Black+White Trucker caps.

but from wat i know...
tat is already soldout.

Blardy well.just dun get me belated birthday gifts okay?
Because The Mother had always said tat its damn suay to received belated gifts.
Haha :P
but i still take them all.
but
thinking tat my past few years of celebrations had not gone too well,
I'd try listening to her..
and see how it goes this year.
Though I dun think there would be any intention of celebrating.
After all Im used to the 'Birthday-is-no-big-deal-thing.
-------------------------------------------------
Damn ulcer.
yikes.
To think a small thing pimp like this could affect the way i eat and talk.
WTF.
Im still goin to Maxwell Market after this for my Gorengpissangs and Hao bings(FriedOysterPuffs).
Hey, i've been thinking how to go there by myself the whole while last night horz?
Well I just feel more at ease and comfortable being out alone nowadays?
I had went alone to Chinatown, ventured alone(not knowing the exact way)to Arab street.
Its kinda nice being alone.
And I loved tat.
Compared to being in a whole bunch out with company(Which i prefered in the past)
I tend to enjoy having one-to-one dates these days.
In the past i used to fear of having awkard silences in conversations when one-to-one,
but now i feel tat some silences in between is to let us to see, to hear, to feel and to understand.
It could be quite fustrating(irritating),tired to desperately grabbing one another's attention when you are in a big group?
Trying to compromise with one another's preferances?
(with Clubbing, its a different matter)
And sometimes,
I just have my silent-lone ranger times?
Its amusing(irritating, too)
tat people simply just assume tat
im upset/angry when im suddenly quiet among them.
I could be thinkin(tired) okay?
Take me for Energiser's Bunny huh?

And when im alone,
I only have to deal with my compromises (:

~~Maybe on Fri after seeing Quen I'd be hyper-happy.~~ In the end we were to meet on Sat. tat means horz..i have to wait 2days more to see my ~~lovely sweet~~ cute quenquen.haha. see how much i missed you?! Dun u duah me again okay. then after paper on Fri.. I BLARDYWELL HAVE NO DATE AND NOTHING AT ALL TO DO! Think i'll go on retail therapy. :D

**Stop waiting and be free.
Of me.
Put me deep inside you and then go out in the world and live.
Love the world and yourself in it.**

I tried AND Tried.

2006-04-30T23:11:00.000+08:00

And Failed.
Got Tired of Trying.

I have tried to be who and wat everyone wanted and thought of me to be.
and i failed.
I've lost myself in the end, got myself wounded up.
And i dun even know wat to do and where can i go.
Im going back to my small little black room,
with my small little pink book.
locking up.
to lick my wounds.
I think i really really need a rest.

Once, writing was my only solace and comfort.
Now,
I dun even know wat can be written here to be read.
I dun need your sympathy.

I really hoped to get my life back. I'd just tried staying @ home(doing skipping and studying) to avoid pissing people off.
Because i've became this unreasonable little lady tat i cant even stand myself ):

I will Follow you in the Dark
Love of mine, someday you will die
But I'll be close behind and I'll follow you in the dark
No blinding light or tunnels to gate to white
Just our hands clasped so tight, waiting for the hint of a spark
But if heaven and hell decide that they are both satisfied
And illuminate the NOs on their vacancy signs
If there's no one beside you when your soul embarks
In Catholic school as vicious as Roman rule
I got my knuckles bruised by a lady in black
And I held my tongue as she told me,
"Son, Fear is the heart of Love,"
so I never went back
You and me we’ve seen everything to see
From Bangkok to Calgary and the soles of your shoes
Are all worn down: the time for sleep is now
But its nothing to cry about
'Cause we’ll hold each other soon in the blackest of rooms

The Lonely night of Nights

2006-04-29T02:32:00.000+08:00

i played my deathcabforcutie(PLANS) at the stroke of 12.

i browse through the names in my phone, desperately trying, frantically looking for somebody, anybody, to talk to me.
Not someone with wise words to say.
Not someone with good listening ears.
Just anyone who could ease the stabbing scary thought of me left alone in the silent lonely night.

I dont recall a single care from anyone i know.

Those busy with work, are too tired to talk.
Those occupied with exams, are too stressed to listen.

Im reallyreally veryvery scared.

its just like the nightmare i used to have everynight when i was still a kid.
Being trapped in a flight of stairs,
stucked in nowhere,
Alone.
And no matter how hard I try to shout for help, noone ever bother to come.

With noone to run to,
I tried looking back at my notes.

At the lyrics booklet of PLANS.

Splat.

A drop splattered on the black glossy page.

Splat.

Fear is the heart of Love.

I looked over to the sharp blade lying on the table.
Would the pain of cutting through myself be so great tat it would overcome my insecurities of being left alone?

In the late nights,
with the music echoing deep in my mind,

I looked out to the sky,
for any evidence to prove I wasnt abandoned.

And I saw the stars.

The little stars and my music--- my companion for the night.

Once again, im being pushed and forced to grow up.

THE Date Tat Never Happened

2006-04-28T18:05:00.000+08:00

i knew i should be meetin you now.

we(or rather me) had been talkin about it the whole week.

but then,

when you didn seem so keen,
or a little bored and tired

i started having doubts.
Doubts of myself.

Wat if..
we couldnt find anything to say?

Wat if...
You find me totally boring and annoying?

Wat if...
You didn want to meet at all but agreed anyway because of me?

Wat if...
You never liked Benandjerrys but ate anyway because you have no choice?

I really really wouldn want tat to happen.
Because I'd really Hate Myself for tat.

Afterall...this is the 1st time we are seeing each other after all has happened.

I had been thinking.and fearing.
Perhaps of Nothing.
(I Hope)

which's why,
I decided to backout last min.

out of fear? or of my own cowardice(maybe)

-_-

Im sorry.

J has got things out with C and she's leaving for Aust to see her. I seriously wonder when can we resume things back to normal like them.I think im falling sick again.blardy low immune system ):

A HALT.

2006-04-27T17:46:00.000+08:00

I was craving for AwfullyChocolate Rich Chocolate Cake.

I was craving for BenandJerry's ChocolateFudge Icecream.

Luckily,

I took the 15mins wait approach...

and extend it to a day.

To see if I was still craving for all tat.

And Today,
I went for my mannicure (:

Totally Healthy, Pretty and Fat Free :D

ITs those Time

2006-04-24T09:57:00.000+08:00

i had been having backaches ):

Those

Aching ones );

Man. Im not even 20.

and im having backaches?!

i was supposedly studying. but i just cant find the urge(motivation) to.

*sigh*

All i had been thinkin was how to make nice beads-bracelets,necklaces.

maybe when i got the beads,i'll start

STUDY. STUDY.

STUDYING! STUDYING!

PS: Or maybe this will (;

Adidas Sling bag. I got it online. Now im just waiting for MR. Handsome postman to deliver it to my doorstep :D

MY BIRTHDAY PRESSIE FOR MYSELF

* a Treatise on Longing*

2006-04-22T04:53:00.000+08:00

I had stopped celebrating my birthday since 2 years ago.

There would still be presents.

Birthday wishes.

But there wun be any birthday cakes nor parties.

and usually no celebration at home/anywhere on the actual day.

Because perhaps noone would actually have the time to remember.
those who remember may not have the plans to.

Or

Simply cuz i have no intention of celebrating.

Celebrating it seems like a sin to me.

Because ah ma's anniversary falls just a week before.

and yes.

at times i may even be(perhaps) angry @ myself and loathes for living and celebrating.

and since no body ever bothers to,
i wun(dun) ask for a celebration too.

as long as i have my family who loves me.
my house to live in.
my friends who remembers the day, giving me handwritten cards.

(Honestly, a self-made handwritten card touches me more than any expensive gift)

this year,
i dun know if there would be a party, or a celebration.

but i would still be happy if the ones i loved

are safe, healthy, and happy (:

The (: Episodes

2006-04-21T22:42:00.000+08:00

I was supposed to visit a supposedly patient at her house today.

But

all I saw was
A smiley-jumping-loud gal greeting me @ her door :P

MS Weng Ah Yao is okay in my observation (;

Busy playing the perfect host. Haha.

Introducing her baby hamsters to us.

Ohgawd.

There were so many i cant recall how many i saw.
with newborns included.

And making my fav. delicious Iced Ribena drinks :D

I had fun. Honestly!

And i was very very surprised how yao-yao’s mother could actually remember my name!
perhaps any parent would, after hearing notorious stories of mine.
haha :P

I got my LAO PO BINGs too (:
--------------------------------------

*sigh*

things are really getting better tat i almost have second thoughts of being Happy

its like things will have a twist to a downturn and get bad.

i was almost afraid tat my happiness may evoke jealousy from ~~those up there~~ THE OTHERS and take it away from me ):

Gettin Paranoid man.

Having my stupid thinking again.

Do you not think tat its better to be extremely happy, even for a short while; is worth it?

Rather than being okay for the rest of your life?

I would liked tat.
Being really happy even for a short while.

Because then
I could push away Squirrel's theory of how we only usually remember the sad stories than happy ones.

I want us to be happy (:

Happy-Ness

2006-04-19T21:30:00.000+08:00

Happy Happy Day (:
Because I have This:

Boxes of Donuts and Durian Creampuffs from Hotel Phoenix.
Gonna list them as one of my top favourite foods.

Presents FaithyInnocent got me from Canada, Japan, US.

I still cant bear to open up the fortune cookie (:

1st time dining @ Thai Express.

New Earrings and handmade charm bracelets from Icon Bugis.

Aww.

The things tat made a smile on my face.

not a smile-smile.

but a grin-smile :D

Oh yes.

Im really glad we finally sorted things out :I
I thank you for the time and space you gave to me.and tolerance to my wilfulness.
I understand you have your happy and sad times. its normal. like you said.
tat we are only human.
And tat you stopped reading after you knew i felt uncomfortable with it.
All these i knew.
And
i know our affinity would not end till 20 years later.
or
the day before i go.
i knew i could never find another like you.

I want you to be happy,
Just like I am when im with you.

Takecare and Be Safe.

Once again.Its Time.

2006-04-18T14:48:00.000+08:00

To study.

as i welcome...
caffeine to bug me.
lect notes to tangle around me.
heavy eye bags to clinge on me.
):

just 2more weeks
and i'll be happily shoppin with quen for my birthday gift (:
i think its a great idea when she come up with this:

"I'll bring you out.You can select your own gift."

"Wah..so good?"

"Instead of thinkin hard wat to get for you and gettin something you dun like..its simpler to bring you out to get something you liked."

(:

Like mummy bringin me out to go shoppin liddat.

i know.
this's your way of cheering me up.
i do appreciate it.
thanks.

For the GAL...

2006-04-18T10:11:00.000+08:00

*who should be in the op room by now*

NO fear, my yao-yao.

Because

I would still love you
even with your fucking five cm scar on that will stick with you til you breath your last breathe.

*gasp*

do i even sound happy?
blah.
not because of your amusing entry
nor was it
Im puting my happiness @ the mercy of your misery?
but because
i had quite a fun time meetin you briefly yesterday over @ TCC's (:

Dun worry.
We WILL go visit you @ your house!
showering you
with LOVE CARE and CONCERN (:
bringing the donuts from Hotel Phoenix
yah.
i do know you cant have tat.
but i'll eat it for you.
Gee.

To Encourage you to get a speedy recovery wat :P

Get well soon!
My weng ah-yao!

Experiencing Technical Difficulties

2006-04-17T00:41:00.000+08:00

"Hey. I didn really blame you or was i angry @ you for anything."

"Im sure I was to blame as well."

.................

" I just think we should take a break. You focus on your attachment while I worked hard for my xams."

"And no.I do not have a boyfriend.Even if I do, it would never affect us.You, of all people should know tat. Well.at least tat was wat i thought."

"Well i guess it was stupid of me to think tat you would have a boyfriend to take care of you huh."

*Tat comment hurts*

"You know I dun mean tat."

"I had always been alone.and would always be.I have no problems with tat.Dun mistake proximity with affinity."

"Affinity ends someday."

"Just like ours?"

'It doesnt have to...if U dun want it to."

And with tat,
i tried to go back to sleep without replying.
Because i do not know how should i answer you.

Once again,
you threw the ball back to me.
For me to decide and choose wat i want to do.
maybe you didnt want to force me.
but sometimes,
i would rather you to be abit stronger and forceful
so that
i wun be hiding from all these
and us runnin in circles over and over.

and yes.
when i asked if you read wat i wrote and you answered positively,
my mind was in a hurl of mess.
i do feel bare and naked.
as if i was stripped of my only piece of clothing.
my only little room of consolement.

i should be worn out by now.
and i am.
having trouble sleepin ):

Jo asks me never to mistake sense of closeness for attraction/liking. never messed up proximity with affinity.
im tryin.
..........................
"Hello." I said
"Do you ever miss him?" she asks me
"Everyday.Every minute."
"Every minute,"she says. "Yes. Its tat way, isnt it?"
She turns on her side and burrows into the pillow.

Its tat way, isnt it? Isnt it.

A drop of blood in a bowl of milk.

2006-04-15T00:03:00.000+08:00

finished The Time Traveller's Wife in 2 nights (:
2 cold rainy nights.
i love being in the warm comfort of my bed reading.snugglin. (:
i could have finished it faster if not for my heavy tired eyelids threatening to fall.
its has been quite long since i was really touched by a book.
eversince Harry's Order of The Phoenix.

maybe i had gotten the break and solace i wanted from here.

i do wish to find someone who will ~~fucked~~ loved and understand me just the way Henry to Clare.
my idea of a perfect life would be if we just stayed in bed all the time,we could make love more or less continuously,and only get up to bring in the supplies,you know,fresh water and fruit to prevent scurvy, and make occasional trips to the bathroom to share before diving back into bed.
And once in a while we could change the sheets. And go to the movies to prevent bedsores.
And running. I would still love to run every morning.

letme just read once more and go through the story again.

its hard being left behind. I wait for him, not knowing where he is, wondering if he’s okay. Its hard to be the one who stays.

i keep myself busy. Time goes faster that way.
I go to sleep alone, and wake up alone.

Everything seems simple until you think about it. Why is love intensified by absence?
Why has he gone to where i cant follow?

I hate to be where she is not, and when she is not. And yet, i am always going, and she cannot follow.

My world

2006-04-13T13:27:00.000+08:00

i do know the world is not black and white.
but in patches of grey.
(ever since i attended Mrs Pang's Lit lesson)

as in there is no good and bad people.
but tat we have to adjust our own good and bad in between.

and different people have their own defination of good and bad.

but being cruel and compassion swings side to side?
tat i cant accept.
nor understand.

why do we always have to be hurt by the people we loved so much?

is it because they knew they have a higher hold of us since we loved them so much
and thus makes it easier for them to manipulate us?

remember how ur parents would be the one who shower you with love and everythin,
but when you go wrong(in their opinion)
they wun hesistate to punish you?

im not afraid of admitin tat
we do live in a world of grey
and tat we live with cruelty and compassion.
but
im just tired ):
or maybe im missing you when im the one who asked for a break ):
tired of havin to guess who's good to me.
tired of making out who's true and who's not.
tired of being unable to trust people easily.
tired and scared of rejections ):
many times i made myself up to be the strong gal you wanted to see me to be.

do you know
tat whenever i get into a lift with a stranger,
i would ring my bunch of keys @ my fingers,
with the sharp ends outwards,
knuckles cleched.
just to be ready in case anything were to happen.
(which's why sometimes i prefer takin stairs)

maybe im watching to much tv
-_-

or maybe..
its you, jo.
----------------------------------------------------------
Anythin in large doses is always not good.
no matter how good it is in the begining.

For eg.
Im rather sick of my usual ice milk tea now ):
perhaps its because...
i have been drownin myself with it too much in the past.
or tat
i can get it whenever i wan it.
and its easily within my reach.

im having cravings of Vanilla Coke though :P
----------------------------------------------------------

倒帶 -

我受夠了等待你所謂的安排
說的未來到底多久才來
總是要來不及才知道我可愛
我想依賴而你卻都不在
應該開心的地帶　你給的全是空白
一個人假日發呆　找不到人陪我看海
我在幸福的門外　卻一直都進不來
你累積給的傷害　我是真的很難釋懷

終於看開愛回不來　而你總是太晚明白
最後才把話說開　哭著求我留下來
終於看開愛回不來　我們面前太多阻礙
你的手卻放不開　寧願沒出息求我別離開

你總是要我乖慢慢計劃將來
我的眼淚卻一直掉下來
過去怎麼交代你該給的信賴
被你親手緩緩推入懸崖
從我臉上的蒼白　看到記憶慢下來
過去甜蜜在倒帶　只是感覺已經不在
而我對你的期待　被你一次次摔壞
已經碎成太多塊　要怎麼拼湊跟重來

終於看開愛回不來　而你總是太晚明白
最後才把話說開　哭著求我留下來
終於看開愛回不來　我們面前太多阻礙
你的手卻放不開　寧願沒出息求我別離開
*This has been playin over and over my music player. i liked this song*

ps.had been in isolation these days. not goin out since the last 2 weeks so.and im startin to enjoy the silent lone time im having for myself. goin to start on my The Time Traveller's Wife durin these 3 days.
dun worry.
im fine, quen (:
have thought through hard everyday by myself.
sitting down with my hot chocolate.
everythin will be where its left.
A little time and distance away is always better.

Getting Better

2006-04-11T14:34:00.000+08:00

Happy Princess (:

Because of this:

A gift from yao in which i asked for her to bring it back for me durin her holiday @ taiwan.

This is the famous Tie Dans in which you can only get it in Taiwan and no other place :P
which makes it more delicious.

i really loved them.
and its sad tat i cant find it anywhere in Sg,
not even in the shops of Chinatown ):

its like your typical Lu Dan(black soya sauce eggs)
but its smaller
(which makes it more crunchy)

*yummy*

who cares about cholesterol when you have great food like this?

thanks yaoyao!
u made my day :D

Im Sorry too

2006-04-11T01:51:00.000+08:00

its not you.
its me.

there were many things i wanted to say to you.
tat were all in my mind.
i opened my mouth.
but no words came out.

i wanted to tell you,
'i forgive all your sins.' in a jokingly manner.
or tellin you tat
'you had always been such a ass so there's nuthin to be worry 'bt.'

but.
no,
i opened my mouth and i tried and tried.

do you know tat everytime when you are so nice and close to me,
im scared.
because i would never know when your goin to turn your back on me again.

your indifference hurts like a thorn prickin again and again.

i would like to stop for a moment.

my eyes moistened.
i touched my face.
only to find the tears which i havent had for the longest moment of time
resting on my face.

*For a moment i do suspect of u readin on my blog. but then i realised i might be thinkin too much and why would u bother right? spinster*

A Small Life

2006-04-10T16:09:00.000+08:00

I was thinkin about

the things tat really matters to me.

or perhaps

the things which i thought was important to me

my family
my house
Cash
my friends
status

until i met 3 strangers yesterday tat sets me reflectin back @ myself.
they were blind.
and were ordering drinks.

they were talkin among themselves.
having a nice happy chat.
they were laughing.
they were friendly.
And they seemed so much @ ease with themselves.
In Fact,
they were happy.

And there i was,
feelin sorry and sick and everythin shitty.

Wat would i do if I was blind?
or in any kind of deficit like them?

Would i still be as happy and free like them?

tat i wouldn know right?
unless
*touch wood*
i become one of them in the years to come.

is it because happy people are basically happy
because
right from the start they have nothing with them,
thus
just a simple little gift would make them happy?

if one was to born with little things,
we would be able to appreciate with wat we get to have.

is it because of the great things showered to us right from the start,
which made us feel tat what we had was wat we should deserved?

And
because of the small things we originally had,
we wouldnt really have any hopes of settin big;
and
ended up gettin hurt.

which's why we always say tat kids are the happiest.
because they have nothing to worry about.
or
is probably they are happy with wat they have.
instead of searching for the things they dun have.

think of the things tat you should be thankful about.

if you say you had nothin to thank about...
well.
@least be thankful tat you had a PC (electricity),a chair(to be sitting down),a pair of beautiful eyes
to read this.

*i would be well.
i would be well.
i would be well.
because benandjerrys came out with a new flavour tat i wanted so much to try.
i just need another few more rounds to the damn toilet.*

Still.

2006-04-08T03:00:00.000+08:00

Did i really sound like i was dyin?

well.
i did feel like doin so.
-_-

im still havin the runs.
still pukin all the food i had eaten.

my stomach really feels like a hundred soldiers are battlin inside.
-_-;

wtf.
and i really hate seeing docs.

and.
No.
Im not pregnant.
(like wat Mr ah beng had thought.)

Since when people had diarrhoea when pregnant wan?

3am in the morning
and im still wide awake
just wats wrong with me.

sick.delirious.upset

2006-04-07T22:49:00.000+08:00

i had been pukin
all the food tat has been delivered to my mouth all day.

Yong Tau Foo.
Orange Carrot Juice.
Fish Porridge.
Poka Green Tea.

And all the visits to the toilet.when i have nuthin(no more food)to puke...i puke water.

All these shown signs of Food Poisoning.

*sigh*

And i only had chicken rice yesterday.

Dun tell me its the big feast i had on tues?

but then wouldn it be a tad too late for my stomach to digest all these now?

-_-

my head is heavy.

my stomach feels queasy.

i feel like pukin again.

am i sick?

*sigh*

i think i should stop talkin before i splurt out sum nonsense tat i may regret.

now xcuse me while i go to the toilet to puke again.

i hope i gets well before presentation on mon.

*the curious incident of the girl in the night-time*

Goodbyes

Ending Story*

Ends the story*

Hola*

Holiday*

*Updates*

*Its My Life*

Bye!

*THIS is to YOU*

Chance upon an old friend

Untittled

*Perks*

*I succumbed*

*To Spinster*

*Things i had wanted to say*

Updates.

The things I thought I knew

*the things tat made me go (:*

*The choice ive to make*

Final Letter

Letter IIII

Letter III

Letter II

Letter I

*Farewell over @ Pitstop*

*It doesnt have one* (tittle)

*Wat Unlucky-ness*

*Chop away those unhappiness*

*National Day*

Ultimately..

*Moods*

Words

*Sometimes Somethings have their limits*

*Life Longings*

*Is the wisdom calling?*

*The new addiction kickings*

*The Surprised Birthday Bash*

*sigh*

*The King, Clown and Me*

*Life(!)*

*Goodbyes*

:I

*Updates*

*The News *

*Here's my sleepition*

*The feeling of being in love*

*A Gals Night out*

*Me and my people*

*The sixth day of the sixth month in the year 06*

*MY weekend was like this...*

*THE 24*

*Happy Life*

*Arab Street Night out*

*THis IS the Day.*

*To the one I missed*

*Tokens Of Thanks*

*i*

*The Non-relatedness*

*I tried AND Tried.*

*The Lonely night of Nights*

*THE Date Tat Never Happened*

*A HALT.*

*ITs those Time*

* a Treatise on Longing*

*The (: Episodes*

*Happy-Ness*

*Once again.Its Time.*

*For the GAL...*

*Experiencing Technical Difficulties*

*A drop of blood in a bowl of milk.*

*My world*

*Getting Better*

*Im Sorry too*

*A Small Life*

*Still.*

*sick.delirious.upset*

the curious incident of the girl in the night-time

Updates

Its My Life

THIS is to YOU

Perks

I succumbed

To Spinster

Things i had wanted to say

the things tat made me go (:

The choice ive to make

Farewell over @ Pitstop

It doesnt have one (tittle)

Wat Unlucky-ness

Chop away those unhappiness

National Day

Moods

Sometimes Somethings have their limits

Life Longings

Is the wisdom calling?

The new addiction kickings

The Surprised Birthday Bash

sigh

The King, Clown and Me

Life(!)

Goodbyes

Updates

The News

Here's my sleepition

The feeling of being in love

A Gals Night out

Me and my people

The sixth day of the sixth month in the year 06

MY weekend was like this...

THE 24

Happy Life

Arab Street Night out

THis IS the Day.

To the one I missed

Tokens Of Thanks

i

The Non-relatedness

I tried AND Tried.

The Lonely night of Nights

THE Date Tat Never Happened

A HALT.

ITs those Time

The (: Episodes

Happy-Ness

Once again.Its Time.

For the GAL...

Experiencing Technical Difficulties

A drop of blood in a bowl of milk.

My world

Getting Better

Im Sorry too

A Small Life

Still.

sick.delirious.upset